I am not talking about a “Casper” ghost. In this post, I am talking about the person who ghosted me. I guess it demands that I start from 2016, go back some, and then jump forward, for enough context.

Back in 2016

I was in an abusive relationship with my supposed fiancé (no ring, but all the drama). I knew it was bad, but had a few failed attempts to break up with the dude. It doesn’t matter how smart you are when your mind is full of toxic influences, logic doesn’t always compute. I actually also had to overcome my own fear of being along, genuinely thinking all of the good men were hitched up, and this was the best that I deserved because I emotionally cheated on my boyfriend in college in an odd MMORPG scenario; years later I realized that what I really wanted was sex and when males in that game gave me attention, it was what I liked as my college boyfriend was too respectful of a catholic school boy. Anyways, back to the ex-fiancé.

One of the things that actually helped me validate that the guy was no good and have hope to move on was when I did a short tarot card reading where a woman told me I would for sure meet someone new soon and it would be at a night club. I did tell her that seemed far fetched as I did not go to them. She then added, I would also be involved in my business with him. That actually gave me hope that things could be better because it seemed more plausible to my small mind.

I got a job offer that was divinely given; I will write more about that, because it is a story in it’s own right. With that, I was financially independent again and I broke up with the abusive guy for the final time. I stopped believing his lies of change. I stopped letting him back in. I was finally starting to enjoy being alive again and be myself again. (I can go further into detail of how this terrible relationship did help me spiritually grow in a separate post.)

I would meditate in my car on my lunch breaks at work. I was curious to my new world of opportunities and what was coming to me. I actually got a blurry vision during one of those meditations. It looked like two blue blue-skinned body-ish figures that were involved. I don’t think I took much meaning from it, but I did take the time to paint it, so I will share that.

As I was enjoying having fun, I was leaving my house more often. Perhaps part of the reason was my ex fiancé was dragging his feet and not moving out and I did not want to be home much.

I heard a radio ad for a new bar, and decided to give it a try. I had never been the type of person to like clubbing, but I found it to suddenly be great. Dancing was liberating and it helped me realize how sexy I was. I genuinely looked damn hot, actually getting some cash tips because people thought I was one of the paid go-go dancers. Especially since that ex fiancé would spend hours on end telling me how I was a “fat ugly cow,” it felt good to see with my own eyes that I was not. I was pretty surprised by this new desire to dance, because while in the bad relationship that literally sucked up all my money, I did not do anything so social; I would instead spend my time meditating alone as it was free, and an escape from the abusive relationship.

So that is the background that bridges to my friend of many years.

Now to meeting my soon-to-be ghost friend.

I found myself trying different clubs. Some were very empty of people. Some had many people sitting but few dancing. Some had rude patrons. I decided to go to the Bonham and ended up liking it. The staff was nice. The people were nice and they actually danced. The first night I went to the Bonham was Halloween or Halloween weekend of 2016. I ended up staying there until they kicked everyone out; I swear it was probably 5am. It was so nice to be in a large crowd with a lot of people with playful intentions.

I ended up going back to the Bonham the next week, wanting to get another taste of the fun. One of the things I found the most fun was to dance on the little podiums that they had there. Some people did not like the attention and avoided it with fear, but I liked to dance on them. I loved the attention. I was full over energy. I did take a break from dancing and a guy began to spin lights; later I would learn the name to be poi dancing. He was up a few minutes and I was impressed. I decided to run up to him when he was finish and gave him a drive-by-complement; it was something very short like, “that was very impressive.” He had other women around him, and I figured he probably got complements all the time. I shared what I wanted and intended to go on with my own business, never thinking I would interact with the guy again. I was dancing non-stop on the podium-stage for about two hours. I only know this, because when I stopped for a water break, the guy told me so; I suppose he was waiting for a moment to talk to me again without interrupting. He ended up trying to talk to me a bit but it was difficult to hear much in the club. He then saved his number into my phone after asking if I was okay to text. Of course, I totally lied. I never texted anyone. It was too cumbersome of an activity. I eagerly told the guy, “yeah, all the time,” and accepted his number.

At the same time frame, I guess it is kind of bad of me, but it was easier. I would typically take guys numbers and then forget about them later. It just seemed easier than telling them no. I was surprised when this new guy texted me politely a day or few later. I did not put much stock into this random club guy texting me and I replied slowly and as a low priority.

Interestingly enough, after I met him I had a great dream. It is as I would describe, the most pleasing dream-encounter I have had. His soul met me in a dream, and I guess wanted to impress me. Oddly enough, in waking life he never initiated anything, was dominate, or offered that quantity and quality of pleasure. This dream probably did not do me any favours, as I kind of think I gave the human version of him credit for the dream encounter from his soul.

We ended up becoming good friends. A big part of why I went to dance at the Bonham for 1 year, once or twice a week straight, was to see him. It was the best common ground to see him for awhile. I did try to get physical with him, but he said he was not ready to date. I took him at his literal word, and thought one day he would be ready.

Anyways, we continued to be friends for years on end. It was great at the beginning. He would literally meet me half way, like to eat dinner at a restaurant. Towards the end of the relationship, I would have to drive to him and he would not leave his house to see me, other than my birthday.

In the in between, I did savour the time I shared with him. I suppose I knew it would not last, perhaps because I noticed him not coming to the club as much. I even took the time to imprint some of the moments we both separately danced on the two different stage-podiums into my memory. As it turned out, sure it was fun dancing, but it was even more sweet when he was there too.

Oddly enough, the guy would not let me into his house at first. He said that his room mate had to approve all house guests for security reasons. It seemed really odd that a room mate would hold so much power, but what could I do but adhere to the rule. One of the times I stopped by his house, staying outside on the driveway per the permission scope, I was trying to talk with the guy and then suddenly a bunch of people started randomly showing up at his house. He said he did not plan that and this never happened, but his friends were always welcomed to his house. I sure felt like a dog not being allowed in the house, while all the other people passed through the door without a flinch. I suppose this set some tone for the friendship-relationship.

There was a time I had to sneak into the guy’s house and not tell anyone about it. Like just my foot in the door was bad. I then got a temporary license to be in his house as he fixed my car, maybe to change the brakes or oil change or something. One of the times I went to the Bonham to see him, someone smashed in my car window. I drove still to the after-club restaurant to meet the guy and his friend from out-of-state, and then home with little clubbing clothes on in the 20 degree weather. The guy did kindly offer to fix my window, as he felt responsible for it being broken when I was there to see him. In terms of the relationship, I think this might have made things better though, because I got license to be in the house like a normal guest at this point.

In the time I knew him, he was always a kinder man when I was interacting with him alone. As the years past though, more and more encounters were part of a friend pod. I did not get individual attention very often. It then became so rare, that I had to wait until my birthday to hope to be alone with him. I don’t even necessarily mean alone for sex, I just mean alone, where I don’t have to take a back seat to the conversation. Often times, his room mate, and then his additional new room mate took a lion’s share of the attention of any hang out night.

I did have a dream with the friend-pod as his room mate roster was filling up in real life. The dream felt more real than life. Basically, in the dream 4 of us were getting busy. I even told the guy about the dream when I was awake, but he did not at least appear to think much about it. My take-away was that on a soul level, something tied us together; I don’t mean to romanticize this, just to state it as an observation.

2020

So for my birthday, I wanted to drive just him and me to Austin for some vegan food. The guy was vegan when I met him, but seemed to turn vegetarian with the influence of his room mate, but anyways, it was something we could share. In fact, I was becoming vegetarian when I met him and with his own guidance on tasty foods, I was able to become fully vegan. I thought we could eat the food for my birthday and then drive back into town to hang out with his friends in a larger group setting. This would allow me the alone time I had been lacking for months, and then satisfy the friend-pod.

The guy ended up inviting his older room mate to my meal. He said it would be rude to uninvite her. So now to not make it weird, I invited his younger room mate and his friend/semi-room mate. I knew the house-friend dynamics and I thought if one of them found out about this meal and were excluded, it could mean drama. The day of my birthday came, and his older room mate was working and did not join us, so all this inviting was for-not. Oddly enough, his younger room mate almost tried to take the front seat spot on my birthday. During the trip, I did not get what I wanted so dearly. The guy ended up pouring in his attention to his room mate, and I felt side lined. Historically, the guy always made it a point to make the birthday friend feel special.

Well, the pandemic started spreading in the United States after my birthday. During my last DDR/work-out session with my friend at his house, maybe in March or April, I felt it was the last time that I would see him, and it is partly true. I hugged him tightly and then had to let go. I rarely saw my friend that year and when I did, he was a shell of himself and his mind was not present.

2021

I basically had to wait a year to see this guy. He drove to my house and we hung out. After years of wanting to cook him breakfast, I finally go to do so. I also gave him a Lapis Lazuli ring that I made for him: a nod to our friendship, and he always liked Lapis Lazuli in Minecraft. We played my Battleship game from my childhood and I learned a bit about his childhood history. he changed out a computer part for me, and then he left. I was not convinced his mind was fully there with me the entire time either, but I suppose I had his presence.

I really loved the guy, but he had other priorities in his life.

I think it was in April 2021, maybe a month or two off, that I had a dream with him in it. It was again a dream that felt more real than life. He told me that he was going to leave me and I knew it too be true. I did not try to change his mind or path. I accepted the message and cried. I felt pure gratitude, a feeling I had been less experienced with at the time. It was such an intense gratitude. “I was just happy to have known him,” is what I thought in the dream. I continued hugging him and crying until the dream was over. When I woke up, I texted my friend and told him about what happened, but he did not think it was anything more than a rogue, meaningless dream.

Throughout the friendship, I had wondered how it would all end. Would it just fade away or would there be a hard-break? It turns out it was a hard break.

After that time, the guy got mad at me for reasons I don’t understand to this day. I kind of think he was looking for a reason to pick a fight so he could pull away from my life. I felt helpless, as I could see the road he was taking and I could not help him. Also, since he had someone living with him that commanded attention, and I lived in a different house, I could not compete with that. So, when I tried to spark up a conversation on Telegram, following his increasing rules to only talk about things that were not important, that were not personal, that did not involve emotions, I decided to make a conversation about the Tesla Model S steering yolk, which I hated. All of his frustrations in life were poured at me and he treated me badly. I felt if I said anything in reply, it would be in anger, so I did not want to talk to him again that night. I blocked him for the night so I would not send an emotionally equal response to him; I wanted to cool off. The next morning he blocked me and did not unblock me since. There had been many times were he had previously blocked me for days or weeks, so it was odd that he did not handle my blocking of him for this time.

There was an SMS text from him maybe 2 weeks later saying he was charging me with being a stalker, which really stunned me because I always adhered to boundaries. I was not convinced I was truly the one he was mad at, but since he had disinvited me from his life, what choice did I have but to stay away?

Oddly enough, that was not the end of him talking to me though.

More Dream Encounters

Well, it was a tough road losing my best friend. I had known him for years and we trusted each other as I thought, with my life. I even slept at his house and trusted him with my safety. Now he was gone. I knew it was coming though, because his soul had told me so in that farewell dream. I felt that I had been killed by him at the time the pain was so bad.

There were various occasions that he would visit me in my dreams post ghosting. Often when I was moving on to different men, either talking to them or getting physical, something would crop up. It seems even as I moved on, I would get some pull back.

Some of the times a few months after the great blocking, I had more-real-than-live dreams. I actually typed it up when I woke up, so I will just past it here:

Aug 22, 2021

I saw A** in my dream last night. I was at a high-school like cafeteria table. He walked up to the table right next to me and started talking to the people sitting down. He didn’t see me and I wanted to say hi, so I tugged on his long tail playfully; it felt soft. He then looked at me and left. I got the sense he was still mad at me or not ready to see me yet. It felt pretty real, like I feel like I just came home from seeing him at his house.

October 26, 2022

I had an odd dream with A** last night. I was sitting at my grandma’s eat-in dining table. A** coincidentally sat next to me, since we had the same common friends. For my benefit, he was ignoring me because he figured I would not talk to him. I then asked him how he was doing, and he was shocked / pleasantly surprised / mind blown that I talked to him. We talked a bit (not sure of what) then went into a factory with many stairs. The steps fell down between me and him, and I couldn’t follow him up.

December 2, 2021

Aww man. I had a dream with A******[younger room mate] in it.

I was in a classroom, where like the individual desks were connected to the seats.

A******[younger room mate] has some drama that was interrupting the lesson and the teacher offered to help talk to her personally, so the teacher asked me to continue the lesson.

Then A******[younger room mate] told the teacher that, “the drama might have been about her (Ellice),” so it wouldn’t be fair to leave me in charge, there would be a conflict of interest with me on charge in regards to a fight 6 months ago (like the fight was about me but did not include me). So then I lost my chance to lead the class.

There were other things in the dream, but not as relevant.

January 2022

Funny enough, back in January when I installed Tinder, that night I had a dream where I went to visit A** as a surprise. It felt like a real dream as I occasionally have with him.

Unfortunately, A******[younger room mate] was in the dream too. She tried to mislead me around the large mansion that was his house when I tried to find his room. Then I finally got to set up like birthday streamers and stuff to surprise him when he came in. Then A** came in and I guess we were getting involved, but then A******[younger room mate] knocked on the door saying she was do sorry but needed to interrupt, which seemed bogus. I think I left bed room that I was in and went into a dining room and found A** again, but then Annette came to interrupt again.

When I woke up I was pretty frustrated that she would interrupt the dream encounter I was having, I mean she won the physical space. I guess A** let her in the dream space somehow. I don’t think I’ve dreamt of him since.

I did not bother to type these up at the time, but I will try to recall these ones from the rest of 2022:

• I can’t remember what was said, but we had a dream where I was talking with him. When I saw him in my dreams, it felt like no time past at all and we had never lost contact. I suppose that feeling in itself is the take-away from the dream.
• I had a dream in November where he was finally giving me the initiation, dominance, and passion that he had always held back from me in real life. He was working very much to please me, which he did.
• The very next night, I had a bothersome more-real-than-life dream, where I was in the same bed with him and his younger room mate, and he wanted to get busy in front of her, but I was not into it. I think that was all. My take-away is he wants our souls to be intermixed, but I am clearly out of the mix.

Conclusion

I actually started typing this blog post back in August and I guess I never got back to writing it since then. I had no idea I would have more dreams with the dude, but I guess the experience proves otherwise. That being said, I have also had dream encounters with other people, which I will write about separately.

I suppose putting this connection to rest is more challenging than I thought. There are times when I think he will drive up to my house and ask for forgiveness. I swear, I was just sitting at my desk working away at my job on the date that was his birthday back in October, and without thinking consciously of the date, I had an intense two minutes of me getting the feeling of him wanting me to contact him. Unfortunately, I can not initiate contact with him, because he made it clear he did not want me to do so. If he wanted me in his life, I am sure he could have easily changed it himself. I suppose some of me wanted him to come to me, if I want important. Some days I don’t think about the guy too, which I hope increase. Maybe writing this post will be my license to close the case.

I still think that we were supposed to meet, but I have tamed down my thoughts. Not everyone you are meant to meet will be around forever but that does not lessen the importance of them.

I doubt anyone will read this as I am not important or famous. Writing this was most likely for my own self benefit.

And so here, I am, some crazy, but some healing made, as facilitated in my dreams.