Words are very important.

What you say is important. What you don’t say is important. How you say it is important and in fact, can change how the message is received. People get emotional context from your tone, even before a word is fully spoken.

Although you cannot control how another person feels, you can make some effort to clearly communicate how you feel and what you are thinking. You would be hard pressed to find someone else who can articulate the exact words in your head for you.

I would like to share some examples of messages that were not clear, or skirted around the message.

Example 1

Question – “Can you join us for a quick meeting with the boss?”

Answer – “I am working on something right now.”

I think both of these can be improved to:

Question – “Will you join the boss and I for a quick meeting?”

Answer – “No.”

The first question can the mis-use of the word “can.” It asks is it possible? Is it in your capacity to do so. It may be obvious that yes, anyone can really join you for a meeting but does that mean the meeting is important enough to them to choose to join in the meeting. It is not really a question of capability; it is a question of choice.

The ambiguity of the first answer may seem like a polite no to some, but it could also come across as not answering the question. Is it a yes or a no? Should we start the meeting, or should we wait for you?

Example 2

Statement – “You are not supposed to be here.”

Possible Revision – “Leave now. You are not welcomed here anymore.”

I had some issues hearing this when going to a meet up event that I had gone to many times before. I seemed to be greeted in a friendly manner by the event organizers spouse and, as always, removed my shoes upon entering the private house. I was the first person to arrive for what I thought would be a good time after seeing a beautiful rainbow on my drive over. As I was settling in, I was told this statement from the event organizer’s spouse, without any further explanation, “you are not supposed to be here.”

I did say, “but I took the time to drive all this way,” and got the same repeated sentence.

I also felt it was strange that the organizer did not tell me themselves and delegated the task to their spouse. I was upset, because I thought there was enough value to be gained by going to the event to me, to cover the time cost on the one hour drive (each way) to the event and the monetary cost.

This felt like it lacked the straight-forwardness to telling me to leave no and I was no longer welcomed there. It also left me confused. Did I do something wrong? Since this person was someone who delivered messages from spirit, I thought perhaps that this was my message, after all I almost went to watch someone speak about his wrongful conviction instead of going to this event. Was there someplace else that I was supposed to be that I did not know about? I kind of felt like spirit would not ever tell me what I should and should not do, so I did begin to lean against this explaination as time passed but I was not completely sure. Did I mis-understand the public MeetUp event that said the event was organized, “just for you,” and in fact the event was only for a private select few? I really don’t know what that meant. I spent the entire drive home, and about half of the rest of my time at home trying to decipher this, until eventually settling on it being some sort of personal issue against me that I could not change without further information.

UPDATE – When I was checking my email the next day, I saw that at 12:03AM, the night of the event, the event organizer kicked me out of the group. This did in fact help to to understand it was not a one-time thing that I should not be there and in fact, I was no longer welcomed. I still did not know clearly what I did wrong, so I thought about this more. I remembered nearly a year ago getting a private message from the organizer that said something to the effect of, “I have learned so much from you,” I did not realize it at the time, but perhaps this was a very indirect way of telling me to not come back. I did not understand that possible interpretation of the message, and went back to one or two more events (on-and-off) without being told I was no longer welcomed. I guess it kind of makes sense; if the first message was indirect, in combination with my positive attitude, the second message was bound to be indirect. Either message did not read as how it was intended to be read from the event organizer because it was not as precise. I could also speculate that perhaps there was jealousy or fear in the fact that I just started making this spiritual based website, even though I do not consider myself in the same spiritual league as the event organizer.

It does make me sad to think that I (perhaps) may have done something to hurt this person so bad that they did not want to tell me themselves. I am a peaceful person, releasing scorpions I find in my house and moving snails out of the path of my tires when leaving my house. Perhaps to, it has nothing personal or negative to do with me and it was a guru diva moment; I will never know. I never intend to hurt anyone and now I will not know what I did wrong, if something was done wrong. I understand that not everything can be, “fixed,” but I would like to think that everything can be an learning experience. Of course, if I knew that I caused this person pain, I certainly would not want to have increased the pain by showing up at their house and to other public events. I honestly thought we were on friendly terms. It also makes me sad that I will no longer be welcomed in the niche Native American community because the event organizer often hosts or participates in many of the events; even though I do not know my exact blood lineage about 51% of me is of this descent and this was my only social connect to that aspect of me.

I guess the best lesson I can take from this is to make sure to be clear when someone hurts me, so that the other person can get the opportunity to recognize the pain and take whatever actions (or lack of actions) they feel is appropriate to the situation.

Example 3

“It’s okay.”

As a young child, some of the females around me would say this. It effectively would be a shorthand for, “No, thank you for asking but action is not required or wanted,” or ,”It is okay as is, don’t bother.”

For instance,

Question – “Do you want a soda?”

Answer – “It’s okay.”

That made sense in my little childhood bubble, but as I would spend time with other people outside of my direct family unit, this answer confused people. Something as simple as an adult asking me if I wanted a hot dog, and then me replying with, “It’s okay,” left my aunt confused and to repeat the question. To me, I thought I was being perfectly clear because that was how I was taught in my direct family unit. For people not in the unit, the answer did not really satisfy the yes/no nature of the question.

I guess this bring up the thought to remember that the further you go outside of your bubble, the more important it is to use proper English and to answer things in non-metaphorical terms, at least until you get your footing of the social norms of the area.

Example 4

Question – “Can you email brochure X?”

Answer – “I only have brochure Y.”

This quick response to the question led to multiple back in forth emails. It again could have been solved with a, “no,” followed then by the explanation. Jumping straight into the explanation seems to be something we do to soften the blow of pain to the other person, because often “no’s” hurt people. Instead of delivering the clear “no” in the first place, it just builds up the tension and maintains the expectation of the questioner that a “yes” is in the pipeline.

Summary

I truly believe that all problems arise from (1) miscommunications and (2) lack of compassion. Recognizing where one can be more clear can really reduce problems and confusion, reduce frustration from people not understanding you, and free up more time because you won’t have to be re-repeating yourself.